On a cold, dark night, there's nothing better than a blazing fire in the fireplace. You can pile on the wood and let it burn nice and warm. It's safe, warm, relaxing and romantic. Now take that same fire out of the fireplace (which was built for it) and drop it in the middle of the living room. Suddenly it becomes destructive. It can burn down the whole house and kill everyone inside.
Sex is like that fire. As long as it's expressed in the protective commitment of a relationship, it's wonderful, warm and romantic BUT porn takes sex outside that context at times and we forget the love factor of giving
There should be a balance and to not let it gecome an addiction and a destructive force in your relationship.
It's important to understand that sexual addictions don't happen overnight. They take time to develop. But when they're full-blown, a man won't be able to resist the repeated urge to enter into a relationship with a sexual object or experience that gives him pleasure and the illusion of intimacy.
That last sentence defines an addict:
- He/she's hooked and can't say no.
- The object of his/her addiction gives him/her two things: pleasure and an illusion of intimacy.
Some men (and many woman) block emotional pain with sexual pleasure. Over time they have to try increasingly risky forms of sexual behavior in order to deaden the pain. Eventually their world revolves around sex. Their obsession has taken over their life.
The Sexual Addiction Test
Patrick Carnes suggests a series of four questions aimed at helping us discover if we have a sexual addiction and if so, how far it's progressed.
While asking yourself these questions, it's crucial that you are brutally honest. The first step in dealing with a problem is admitting we have one.
ONE - Is Your Behavior Secret?
Are you doing things you refuse to tell others about?
Are you telling lies to cover your behavior? If so, you're isolating yourself from those you love and entering into a potentially addictive relationship with an object or event.
TWO - Is Your Behavior Abusive?
Does your sexual behavior create pain (emotional or physical) for you or others?
THREE - Is Your Behavior Used to Deaden Painful Feelings?
Are your sexual actions an effort to change your mood rather than express affections?
Do you masturbate or search for some other sexual outlet when you're depressed, bored, or angry?
FOUR - Is Your Behavior Empty of Genuine Commitment and Caring?
Are you substituting the illusion of intimacy provided by an object or event for the genuine intimacy found in a healthy relationship?
If you answered yes to even one of the four questions, your sexual behavior is either compulsive or addictive.
Addictive Stages
While the four questions help determine if we have a problem, they don't tell us the extent of the problem. In order to determine that, we need to familiarize ourselves with the levels of addictions.
Pre-addiction
Pre-addiction describes people who begin to find themselves sexually stimulated through impersonal objects, like pornography, or events You're holding down a job, and your relationship with your wife or girlfriend is intact. However, you realize that while your fascination with pornography, strip shows, or erotic talk lines isn't compulsive, it is dangerous.
Level 1
At level 1 a man's lust has begun to exert its control. He's compulsively involved in such things as masturbation, pornography, homosexuality, or demeaning heterosexual relationships.
When a man reaches level 1, something significant has happened. While before he always struggled to keep his lust under control, now it's running wild. In his book
The Addictive Personality, Craig Nakken notes that the single most important aspect of level 1 addictions is the emergence of the addictive personality.
A man's lust, like a great dragon, has awakened from its slumber and threatens to take over his life.
Level 2
When a man reaches level 2, he's taken a bigger and more dangerous step. Now his behavior involves people. His activities include prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, and touching a person intimately with or without consent.
Men who are exhibitionists or voyeurs will carry out their secret behavior for years.
All kinds of “good” people reach level 2. Hardly a week passes without a news story about a politician, teacher, or Hollywood star picking up a prostitute or making an unwanted sexual advance.
Level 3
By the time a man reaches level 3, his behavior involves serious crimes in which severe damage is done to the victim. Rape, incest, and child molestation occur at this level.
The Moment of Truth
By now you should know if you're hooked. You should also have a feel for how far your sexual compulsion has progressed. While most of us would prefer avoiding the truth for as long as we can, eventually the moment of truth will arrive. Something will happen to force you to admit that your life is out of control.
- You'll accidentally leave a pornographic image on your computer monitor, and someone at work will report it to your boss.
- One of your kids or your wife will find your stash of X-rated videos.
- Your wife will leave because you've had another affair.
- A policeman will arrive at your place of work because a neighbor has identified you as a Peeping Tom.
- The school counselor will call because you've been reported to the child care agency for improperly touching a neighbor child.
Porn Addiction
Porn addiction is one of the most difficult addictions to overcome. Millions of people around the world struggle with overcoming this powerful vice once they acknowledge they have a problem. Its been compared to cocaine addiction because of similar neurochemical activity in the brain.
Signs That You or Someone You Know is Addicted
1. You or the person you know is not being as social as they used to be.
Porn turns us inward and makes us feel emotionally low.
You’re noticing a decrease in physical affection and non-sexual touch.
No matter what, both of you are feeling largely dissatisfied post-sex.
2. Healthy sex has become less interesting
It can be difficult to be turned on with normal healthy sex if you've been over-stimulating yourself with
porn.
Your lover has become emotionally distant during sex.
You’re starting to feel sexually rejected or neglected.
In or out of the bedroom, you and your partner can no longer describe yourselves as emotionally intimate.
3. Normal sex becomes boring and disconnected.
Porn objectifies and is not about “making love”.
You need something new and more stimulating, always progressing in perverseness.
4. You seem distant and disconnected with others
Porn makes us feel uncomfortable with healthy emotionally connected relationships.
5. You feel irritable all the time.
Porn does not make us happy people and when we’re not happy we are irritable and complain about
everything.
He might make cutting remarks about your weight or shape.
6. You’re not only lying more but you’re always accusing your partner of things
We treat people like we’re treating ourselves.
So if we’re constantly hiding things and feeling guilty then we will treat people in a very defensive manner.
You're no longer giving straight answers to your partner
Your questions are vague and nonsensical and you're defensive when asked about porn use
7. You’re on the computer all the time and demand privacy, you're practically wed to the net
Other than private work matters there are few reasons to be so private about internet use.
