Traditionally, a parent actively raised a child until she
was old enough to move out and support herself, helping to preserve a
respectful relationship. Today, a changing social and economic landscape
redefines the traditional hierarchy between parents and children. Disrespect
from a rude adult child is difficult to address, since your child is old enough
to be responsible for her own actions. Since discipline isn't an option for
adult children, it's time to have a frank discussion about your changing
relationship and how your child's rudeness affects you.
Step 1
Redefine your relationship with your adult child and
consider how that affects your behavior toward each other. For instance, if
you're in a position where your child is supporting you, your child sometimes
assumes a more parental role. Don't allow your redefined relationship to lower
your worth as a parent, allowing your adult child to treat you poorly.
Considering the changes in your relationship helps you identify why your adult
child is being rude.
Step 2
Arrange for a time to speak with your adult child.
Acknowledge any changes that have altered your relationship and let your child
know how his rudeness affects you. Stay calm and avoid making accusations.
Instead, use "I" statements to take responsibility for your actions
and emotions. Instead of saying, "You treat me badly," say, "I
feel insignificant when I don't receive respect."
Step 3
Set clear expectations for behavior. Even if you rely on
your adult child for support or your child has moved out and no longer answers
to you, you still dictate how you're treated. Explain that you expect to be
treated respectfully by everyone, especially your adult children. Clarity helps
to foster open communication between you and your adult child.
Step 4
Stop making excuses for your adult child's behavior. Telling
yourself that your daughter was short with you because she's stressed at work
only gives her permission to continue her rude behavior. Hold your child
responsible for her behavior and notify her when you feel violated or hurt.
Step 5
Withdraw yourself from the relationship if the behavior
continues. While you may not be able to put your adult child in time out for
rudeness, you can take a time out from spending time together. Show your child
that a relationship with you is no longer a necessity, but a privilege. Respect
is a two-way street and you needn't continuously submit yourself to rudeness
and disrespect at the hands of your own child. Return as an active contributor
to the relationship once your child acknowledges his behavior, apologizes and
commits to acting more respectfully in the future.
