Victory is Here

When all is lost and hope has fled When fear is strong and strength is dead When love and joy abandon you When mental anguish grows in you When the last of efforts fail to save When your fate is ill, your mind enslaved And when your head hangs low in misery This is when you'll find the key A single ember from deep within Burns hotter and hotter, as flames begin The fire of truth will light the way And help you fight, this lonely day The battle is long, the struggle is rough Never regret not giving enough For when we offer our very best, Our very soul is put to the test Stand tall and true and you'll prevail Just hold on tight and never bail You will survive if you don't quit Victory is there, if you reach for it One day in the future, you will look to the past, And know you had what it takes to last So never give up and good things will come, Not just honor and pride, but a job well done.

I want to taste ....

I was chatting 2 a friend the other night and shared of a choice I made.
Which led, to heartache in my life. ...
The reaction was albeit disappointed in my actions, their disappointment in me was a stab 2 the heart and I felt my selfworth go down a few notches, in theirs and mine ... and this made me think.

One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of learning

Before you can live a part of you has to die.
You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently.
You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at that moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours.
When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself
From this point of forgiving myself I am finally free in my thinking and actions

I am slowly letting go of expectations.
I have expectations of: a person, an experience, a vacation, a job, a book — I put it in a predetermined box that has little to do with reality.
I tend to set up an idealized version of the thing (or person) and then try to fit the reality into this ideal, and am often disappointed.
Instead, I should try to experience reality as it is, appreciate it for what it is, and be happy that it is.
I always expect the worst because then my disappointnent wont be so big.
This thinking causes me to boikot friendships,  love and I have this wall .... a safety net I have placed in my life.

I would rather let go of the safety nets in my life
There are many different wines in this world and sometimes we have to leap out and taste them.
Sometimes just a sip will do and other times, I have to finish the whole bloody bottle, even thou the outcome might be pleasurable or with a hangover....

I want to live
With the wind in my face
I want to spread my wings
I want to have a rich life time of experiences then a mediocre, "safe" life
I want to dance crazely
I want to hug exuberantly
I want to love intensely

I guess this makes me a bit off beat and intense

I jump into life, experiences with all I am..
Giving 100% and more
This has made me a great mother...
A hard worker...
A friend, who always has your back...
A resting place for some...
A wife worth more than rubies...
I am fully woman ....

I believe wholeheartedly in innocence
I am a total romantic
I always believe and hope...like a child ... this is my downfall ....
Yet... I am an old soul with a depth of wisdom gained from failed and successful life experiences

I am human...I fall...yet I live ...

“There are three kinds of men.
The ones that learn by readin’.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.”
― Will Rogers

Not ....

Saying you "loved" me, with that look in your eye,
I could say, it was a cold hearted lie,
I know that you care, in your own twisted way
But the rage inside you, slowly flared.
I admit I've made a mistakes
Which made me look fake,

Remember how it was, when we first started out?
We fell so hard ... so hard ...
At one point you'd notice, ONLY me in the room.
We both did things we can't undo,
Now it seems our relationship is headed for doom,
And not that long ago, I was EVERYTHING to you, Now your looking for other things to "do"

So why is it like this?
Why can't we even talk? and act like you don't care, All the while, our care for each other is still there.
I never meant to hurt you the first time, or cause you any pain,
I know neither of us want to go through this same old shit again.

I owe you so much, and I have so much to prove to you
And are left with all these wondering questions of why?
Why can't we get past the past?
You think if somebody hurts you its me ... that did it to you?
How could you think that of me....?

 I know you're looking for other things to "do",
You're sick of me, and want something new ...

I hate my life and want to die
It doesn't even matter anymore
I sit here holding this beautiful gun
With its help, my pain is gone
The most beautiful explosion I'll ever hear
Is that of this gun as the bullet draws near
Hitting my skull and killing my brain
This cute little bullet will end my pain ...

Through life, I have been a fighter
Standing, believing in all so sweet
Slowly degrading,
I have been stripped and cut
That nothing has remained but a hurt, broken doll
Bruised, battered she is ... that’s me.

I have reached out for friendship, love and peace
Alas ... 'tis only pain, scorn and rejection I find...
 I don't know how it came to this
My life you see, has never been bliss
Happiness has always eluded me
And when it's in my grasp
For some reason it has to flee.

I wish it didn't have to be this way
Wish there was some other way
To deal with my pain
I think of my small nucleus of a family and sit and cry
They may wonder why I had to die I hope they do not dwell on me
The best thing for them Is simply to forget me...
As life in general, has forgotten me in any case.
         
 RIP ... I loose

Please if you are suicidal please seek help

www.suicide helpline.org

Will I .....

Alone, I lie at night
Thoughts ...
Tumbling ...
Falling ...
Like race horses
Cascading ...
My thoughts are a-jumble,
My heart beating painfully against my

I am beautiful
I am loyal
Yet nobody see's

I am but one
Yet never alone
My thoughts and broken heart fight
Like broken dogs
Dominating my life

I am but a moment ...
Yet I am forever
Here today ...
Gone forever ...

Why ... why ... why ...
Did God take my husband
Take my heart ...
Why did God leave me open and vulnerable to hungry vultures
Searching and seeking every pound of flesh from me

Oh God .... where are you in my storm?

Dear Destiny, I am Ready now

I looked at my Facebook and glanced at my relationship status.  It still says "Married."  No word but widow described what I was. Single said too little. I noticed the other options: It's complicated. Well, yes (what loss is uncomplicated?) and no: Death leaves you with zero options.  Separated. I was that, too, but more drastic and sadder than the word usually suggests. Some hope that separation from their spouses might be temporary; mine could be nothing but permanent.

I was no longer married; I was a widow and this, the only appropriate designation, felt hard-earned. Dave's sickness and death belonged to him, but they had changed my life, too, making demands and requiring sacrifices. The path that led me from wife to widow has been long, crooked, and extremely painful. When his cancer counts came down, I rejoiced with him; when it reappeared, we despaired together, we cried together and we dreamed together, I asked questions in oncologists' offices and took notes. I cried constantly, I went through hell and back and still lost everything at the end.

Now after a few months, I felt ready to date.I have started to miss companionship, the everyday pleasures of having a man in my life, the art and the wanting to be loved and cherished

Widowhood also has had a strange sanctifying effect on how people in general,  perceive me. Maybe it's because so many have called me "courageous," but as soon as I utter the word "widow," I sense I'm being seen as a living saint and that my marriage was flawless, which of course isn't true. "You must have really loved him," a few have said in awe. Well, yes, of course I loved him, hopelessly actually  but our marriage was like most: It had highs and lows. In the year before Dave got sick, we'd gone through a ruff patch in our marriage But it seems as though Dave's  sickness and death smoothed all the rough edges off our relationship, leaving behind something ideal, untouchable

I don't believe that the dying mean to teach us anything but I do know that there was nothing Dave wanted more when he was sick than to live another day. And that's worth remembering: Take it one day at a time. .

Even if I do, although my Facebook status would change once more, I'll carry the experience of widowhood forever. But the burden does get lighter and where once the possibility of ever having a relationship again was unthinkable, I don't feel that way anymore. I don't feel tragic, or anomalous. I feel positive for the future, that maybe ... just maybe, I will be loved again and cherished for not financially bringing into the relationship but what I can give eternally

My Darling

My Husband,
My Hero,
My Heart,
My Soul,
My very Breath I breath,
My Overcoming Conquirer,
If I could just wrap my arms around you and protect you
Oh, what a joy that would be,
Not the glittering weapons fight the fight,
But ... rather your hero's heart ...

My Love ...
I love you ...
I miss you ...
You know that ...
I promised that ...
When I slipped that wedding ring on your finger ...