I want to know....

She Believed ...

Half truths and empty promises...

I have tried the dating scene but not in an overly excited manner, as I have the knack to compare every man I chat or meet with Dave. Leaving it seemed the best way and floating along was "ok"

As it the universe would have it a few weeks ago, I started chatting to this sweet (so it seemed at the time), young gorgeous man.

Slowly ever so slowly, my heart started to melt and it felt as if he in his "affection",  started knitting the pieces of "me" together...
He started to creep slowly into my heart and he spoke of a future together ...

It felt so good, warm ... fuzzy ...

Suddenly in the end of last week, he became distant, on Sunday still professed that he wants us to "cross the finishing line together".

Lo and behold silence.... on Monday then dropping the bomb that he hooked up with a woman Sunday night, had sex with her and that he must have feelings for her to have been able to sleep with her and he wants to see where it leads ...

Suddenly I became ... "Hey lady"

These are my thoughts....

1. Men play games, when they feel insecure
2. Men who play games,  when he has to deal with feelings, so he masks his childish uncertainty
3. As long as a man gets attention from a woman,  he knows she will give all her attention to him
4. He plays mind games to see how she reacts to his "hot" or "cold" affections ...
5. Its considered mucho to play the field ...
6. He treats her like an emotional whore ... him playing pimp incarnate
7. Men take a womans interest for him and turns it to conveniant sex

I am worth a whole lot more ..
I am awesome...
I am amazing ...
I am intelligent ...
I am fully woman ...
I am worth the good things life has to offer...
I am wounded ....
I might be battered ....
My sails are torn ...
My mask is broken...

but ... 

I am still miraculously floating ...

Victory is Here

When all is lost and hope has fled When fear is strong and strength is dead When love and joy abandon you When mental anguish grows in you When the last of efforts fail to save When your fate is ill, your mind enslaved And when your head hangs low in misery This is when you'll find the key A single ember from deep within Burns hotter and hotter, as flames begin The fire of truth will light the way And help you fight, this lonely day The battle is long, the struggle is rough Never regret not giving enough For when we offer our very best, Our very soul is put to the test Stand tall and true and you'll prevail Just hold on tight and never bail You will survive if you don't quit Victory is there, if you reach for it One day in the future, you will look to the past, And know you had what it takes to last So never give up and good things will come, Not just honor and pride, but a job well done.

I want to taste ....

I was chatting 2 a friend the other night and shared of a choice I made.
Which led, to heartache in my life. ...
The reaction was albeit disappointed in my actions, their disappointment in me was a stab 2 the heart and I felt my selfworth go down a few notches, in theirs and mine ... and this made me think.

One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of learning

Before you can live a part of you has to die.
You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently.
You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at that moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours.
When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself
From this point of forgiving myself I am finally free in my thinking and actions

I am slowly letting go of expectations.
I have expectations of: a person, an experience, a vacation, a job, a book — I put it in a predetermined box that has little to do with reality.
I tend to set up an idealized version of the thing (or person) and then try to fit the reality into this ideal, and am often disappointed.
Instead, I should try to experience reality as it is, appreciate it for what it is, and be happy that it is.
I always expect the worst because then my disappointnent wont be so big.
This thinking causes me to boikot friendships,  love and I have this wall .... a safety net I have placed in my life.

I would rather let go of the safety nets in my life
There are many different wines in this world and sometimes we have to leap out and taste them.
Sometimes just a sip will do and other times, I have to finish the whole bloody bottle, even thou the outcome might be pleasurable or with a hangover....

I want to live
With the wind in my face
I want to spread my wings
I want to have a rich life time of experiences then a mediocre, "safe" life
I want to dance crazely
I want to hug exuberantly
I want to love intensely

I guess this makes me a bit off beat and intense

I jump into life, experiences with all I am..
Giving 100% and more
This has made me a great mother...
A hard worker...
A friend, who always has your back...
A resting place for some...
A wife worth more than rubies...
I am fully woman ....

I believe wholeheartedly in innocence
I am a total romantic
I always believe and hope...like a child ... this is my downfall ....
Yet... I am an old soul with a depth of wisdom gained from failed and successful life experiences

I am human...I fall...yet I live ...

“There are three kinds of men.
The ones that learn by readin’.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.”
― Will Rogers

Not ....

Saying you "loved" me, with that look in your eye,
I could say, it was a cold hearted lie,
I know that you care, in your own twisted way
But the rage inside you, slowly flared.
I admit I've made a mistakes
Which made me look fake,

Remember how it was, when we first started out?
We fell so hard ... so hard ...
At one point you'd notice, ONLY me in the room.
We both did things we can't undo,
Now it seems our relationship is headed for doom,
And not that long ago, I was EVERYTHING to you, Now your looking for other things to "do"

So why is it like this?
Why can't we even talk? and act like you don't care, All the while, our care for each other is still there.
I never meant to hurt you the first time, or cause you any pain,
I know neither of us want to go through this same old shit again.

I owe you so much, and I have so much to prove to you
And are left with all these wondering questions of why?
Why can't we get past the past?
You think if somebody hurts you its me ... that did it to you?
How could you think that of me....?

 I know you're looking for other things to "do",
You're sick of me, and want something new ...

I hate my life and want to die
It doesn't even matter anymore
I sit here holding this beautiful gun
With its help, my pain is gone
The most beautiful explosion I'll ever hear
Is that of this gun as the bullet draws near
Hitting my skull and killing my brain
This cute little bullet will end my pain ...

Through life, I have been a fighter
Standing, believing in all so sweet
Slowly degrading,
I have been stripped and cut
That nothing has remained but a hurt, broken doll
Bruised, battered she is ... that’s me.

I have reached out for friendship, love and peace
Alas ... 'tis only pain, scorn and rejection I find...
 I don't know how it came to this
My life you see, has never been bliss
Happiness has always eluded me
And when it's in my grasp
For some reason it has to flee.

I wish it didn't have to be this way
Wish there was some other way
To deal with my pain
I think of my small nucleus of a family and sit and cry
They may wonder why I had to die I hope they do not dwell on me
The best thing for them Is simply to forget me...
As life in general, has forgotten me in any case.
         
 RIP ... I loose

Please if you are suicidal please seek help

www.suicide helpline.org

Will I .....

Alone, I lie at night
Thoughts ...
Tumbling ...
Falling ...
Like race horses
Cascading ...
My thoughts are a-jumble,
My heart beating painfully against my

I am beautiful
I am loyal
Yet nobody see's

I am but one
Yet never alone
My thoughts and broken heart fight
Like broken dogs
Dominating my life

I am but a moment ...
Yet I am forever
Here today ...
Gone forever ...

Why ... why ... why ...
Did God take my husband
Take my heart ...
Why did God leave me open and vulnerable to hungry vultures
Searching and seeking every pound of flesh from me

Oh God .... where are you in my storm?

Dear Destiny, I am Ready now

I looked at my Facebook and glanced at my relationship status.  It still says "Married."  No word but widow described what I was. Single said too little. I noticed the other options: It's complicated. Well, yes (what loss is uncomplicated?) and no: Death leaves you with zero options.  Separated. I was that, too, but more drastic and sadder than the word usually suggests. Some hope that separation from their spouses might be temporary; mine could be nothing but permanent.

I was no longer married; I was a widow and this, the only appropriate designation, felt hard-earned. Dave's sickness and death belonged to him, but they had changed my life, too, making demands and requiring sacrifices. The path that led me from wife to widow has been long, crooked, and extremely painful. When his cancer counts came down, I rejoiced with him; when it reappeared, we despaired together, we cried together and we dreamed together, I asked questions in oncologists' offices and took notes. I cried constantly, I went through hell and back and still lost everything at the end.

Now after a few months, I felt ready to date.I have started to miss companionship, the everyday pleasures of having a man in my life, the art and the wanting to be loved and cherished

Widowhood also has had a strange sanctifying effect on how people in general,  perceive me. Maybe it's because so many have called me "courageous," but as soon as I utter the word "widow," I sense I'm being seen as a living saint and that my marriage was flawless, which of course isn't true. "You must have really loved him," a few have said in awe. Well, yes, of course I loved him, hopelessly actually  but our marriage was like most: It had highs and lows. In the year before Dave got sick, we'd gone through a ruff patch in our marriage But it seems as though Dave's  sickness and death smoothed all the rough edges off our relationship, leaving behind something ideal, untouchable

I don't believe that the dying mean to teach us anything but I do know that there was nothing Dave wanted more when he was sick than to live another day. And that's worth remembering: Take it one day at a time. .

Even if I do, although my Facebook status would change once more, I'll carry the experience of widowhood forever. But the burden does get lighter and where once the possibility of ever having a relationship again was unthinkable, I don't feel that way anymore. I don't feel tragic, or anomalous. I feel positive for the future, that maybe ... just maybe, I will be loved again and cherished for not financially bringing into the relationship but what I can give eternally

My Darling

My Husband,
My Hero,
My Heart,
My Soul,
My very Breath I breath,
My Overcoming Conquirer,
If I could just wrap my arms around you and protect you
Oh, what a joy that would be,
Not the glittering weapons fight the fight,
But ... rather your hero's heart ...

My Love ...
I love you ...
I miss you ...
You know that ...
I promised that ...
When I slipped that wedding ring on your finger ...

Do you ever feel like you’re living in a bubble, surrounded by people but never touched?

We live in such a busy, crowded world, yet it’s so easy for many of us to go days, even weeks or months without touching or being touched by others.

While you might not notice the effects of not being touched right away, it can negatively affect your mood, your confidence and your health. We are only beginning to understand the holistic way our bodies work and the relationship between our emotional wellbeing and our physical health.

Here are 6 reasons why you need to be touched on a regular basis.

1.      Feel connected to others.

We are social beings, and although we all fall in different places on the introversion – extroversion scale, we all need to have that sense of connection to other members of our tribe. While some of that connection can come from having conversations with others, touch also plays an important role in human communication.

2.      Reduce anxiety.

Simply touching another person can make us feel more secure and less anxious. It can make us feel grounded and safe and not so all alone. It’s not just children who could use a warm, reassuring hug to make things a little better, so if you’re feeling like a bundle of nerves, go ahead and ask for a hug.

3.      Bonding.

Touch is one of the ways romantic partners bond with each other and parents bond with their children. When partners and families get busy and let touch go out the window, they’ll often find that they don’t feel as close and relationships suffer. Regular touch is one of the ways that we continually renew our bonds with those we love.

4.      Lowers your blood pressure.

Studies have shown that those that get regular touch often have lower blood pressure than those that don’t. Even having a pet can have beneficial effects! Touch can also slow the heart rate and help speed recovery times from illness and surgery.

5.      Improve your outlook.

It’s harder to get into a pessimistic funk when you feel the confidence of being connected to others. Touch can make people feel more optimistic and positive and less cynical and suspicious. A positive, trusting attitude towards others can reduce tension in our daily lives and improve our relationships.

6.      Give us the sensory input that we crave.

 Scientists are just discovering how truly important it is to exercise all our physical senses for proper brain and emotional development. All the various kinds of touch from butterfly kisses to deep tissue massage send our brains the physical inputs it needs to make sense of the world. So, along with touching other people and pets, make time to explore different textures and touch sensations such as letting cool sand run through your fingers or taking a warm relaxing bath.

Don’t let yourself get too busy that you starve yourself of touch. It’s important for your physical, mental and emotional well being to touch others and let others touch you.

When your adult child rebels

Traditionally, a parent actively raised a child until she was old enough to move out and support herself, helping to preserve a respectful relationship. Today, a changing social and economic landscape redefines the traditional hierarchy between parents and children. Disrespect from a rude adult child is difficult to address, since your child is old enough to be responsible for her own actions. Since discipline isn't an option for adult children, it's time to have a frank discussion about your changing relationship and how your child's rudeness affects you.

Step 1

Redefine your relationship with your adult child and consider how that affects your behavior toward each other. For instance, if you're in a position where your child is supporting you, your child sometimes assumes a more parental role. Don't allow your redefined relationship to lower your worth as a parent, allowing your adult child to treat you poorly. Considering the changes in your relationship helps you identify why your adult child is being rude.

Step 2

Arrange for a time to speak with your adult child. Acknowledge any changes that have altered your relationship and let your child know how his rudeness affects you. Stay calm and avoid making accusations. Instead, use "I" statements to take responsibility for your actions and emotions. Instead of saying, "You treat me badly," say, "I feel insignificant when I don't receive respect."

Step 3

Set clear expectations for behavior. Even if you rely on your adult child for support or your child has moved out and no longer answers to you, you still dictate how you're treated. Explain that you expect to be treated respectfully by everyone, especially your adult children.                                                                       Clarity helps to foster open communication between you and your adult child.

Step 4

Stop making excuses for your adult child's behavior. Telling yourself that your daughter was short with you because she's stressed at work only gives her permission to continue her rude behavior.                          Hold your child responsible for her behavior and notify her when you feel violated or hurt.

Step 5

Withdraw yourself from the relationship if the behavior continues. While you may not be able to put your adult child in time out for rudeness, you can take a time out from spending time together. Show your child that a relationship with you is no longer a necessity, but a privilege. Respect is a two-way street and you needn't continuously submit yourself to rudeness and disrespect at the hands of your own child. Return as an active contributor to the relationship once your child acknowledges his behavior, apologizes and commits to acting more respectfully in the future.

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.

They say that when we go through mountainous trials and tribulations, we do so because we are very close to achieving something great.

Sometimes doors are closed,  before you so that you are forced to stretch out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself to reach new heights that you would otherwise not have reached for.

Your trials are there to perfect you and to shape and polish you.

If you never endure any friction then you will never reach far enough to grab the true potential you have inside of you.

These paths that life takes you on, is unique and different from anyone else, our path is always changing, like the season for season, year to year, situation by situation.

Our path is never static.

Do I want to participate in making this path in my life, many times, this walk that I have to walk on, this trial that I am forced to go through? And you feel as if you are just stuck there and there is no way out and the bloody polishing of your very nature gets stretched beyond that and you think to yourself: "can I handle this?".

I think of the story in the Bible, where the disciples of Jesus were in a storm and they thought they were going to die, then suddenly Jesus shows up.

When you least expect it – God makes an appearance. Not the way I always want it or envision it or how I want it done but He does come.

He comes in ways and means that is not always noticeable to the human eye but to the spirit of man, you know he showed up to the party.

Yes there are many sermons out there, that trials and tribulations are for:

      1-      To refine the human spirit   

      2-      To check our commitment to God       

      3-      Testing us in all areas

      4-      To testify of His person “I am”

      5-      To have a testimony

But …

I prefer to think/believe that he wants to show me how much He loves me and that I am a vessel, polished to perfection to shine His glory.

Am I facing a trial now?
 I am.

Is it easy?

No, it’s not

Do I want to get off this road I am forced to walk on?
Get me out of here now!

Christmas

He was created of a mother whom He created.

He was carried by hands that He formed.

He cried in the manger in wordless infancy.

He (Jesus Christ), the Word, without whom all human eloquence is mute

The birth of the Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history,

Because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which

Has transformed all manner of hearts for almost two thousand years...

Let us remember this season the, “Christ” in Christmas and ….

Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart,

A wide open heart that thinks of others first.

Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart

"Christmas, my child, is love in action." -- Dale Evans

 

As Time Flies

I remember I was 12 - wishing I was 13

When I was 15 -  I prayed to be sweet16

At 17, 18 looked so far and time went so awfully slow

tick tock

tick tock

The day of my 18th birthday!

A mile stone people - whoooopi

So the years dragged by slowly and I was just wishing that 21 would come around so that I could open up my own accounts and buy my own car.

21 Came around and it was not as great as I thought it would be ...

Suddenly I was 30

So on that day

I was given a huge bunch of cosmos flowers and I remember so strongly the words I said at 18......

"I want to live hard and die young before I reach 30"

Suddenly I realized that I had not even started living and the thought crossed me that I am 30 yrs old and I started crying thinking to myself..... you are old ......

35 Came and went

40 Came

They said that at 40 you start living.

Right .... ja right ....

Suddenly the years just started speeding up like a bullet train or shall I say a fighter jet

Whap, whap, whap

I realise that I am getting old quickly

Retirement is around the corner

I have not done what I wanted

I have waisted time with people and things

And at the end of my days
It will be said: Dust to Dust

When some stranger walks through the graveyard,
they will turn to their child and say:"do you know where the richest place in town is?'
The child will respond: "no Daddy, where?"
"Here in the graveyard, because many of these people God blessed with many talents,
and here, they all lie buried with all that rich treasure"